She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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