On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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