Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
