hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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