ya dads aren't the best wingmen
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
