I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
