So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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