six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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