Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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