I just threw up on my dentist
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
