are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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