Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
