I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you would pick up someone in the library
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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