Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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