i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
