I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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