I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
