have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
