the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
