i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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