We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
