Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
