ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
