Well douche your snatch and let's go!
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
