The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
