i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
