Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
