Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
