I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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