you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
