Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
