i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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