His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
