just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
