There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
