What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
