She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
