I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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