im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
