Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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