So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
