mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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