Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
