I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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