we have pet lesbian snakes
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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