i just wanna soil my oats bro
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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