i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I've blown a few things in my day
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
