70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
