ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
