i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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