I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
