ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
