i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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