I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
